Mic Check

Trying to make sense of it all

It’s one thing to be alone, but being lonely is a different beast. If you let the shit fester for too long, loneliness will have you flipping the fuck out! At one point or another, all of my friends have had significant others while I must have been elsewhere, living in an alternate universe, because I’ve never had an adult relationship. People tell me to be optimistic and hopeful that love will find me, but someone needs to give that bitch GPS because I’ve been waiting for 23 years now. I know deep within my heart of hearts that I’m not being unrealistic with my expectations. I have the capacity to love and to do so with my entire being, but to never be on the receiving end of that is beyond frustrating. I’m so drained. I put my all into men that I know I have no business fucking with, but I can’t help thinking “this is the one” — with damn near each one. I don’t know what to do. I’m confused..vulnerable. I’ve been fucked over so many times that I question if genuine love is even real. At this point in my life, love sounds like an idealized notion. I know that I don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to complete who I am..I’m already whole..that doesn’t eradicate the void or take the sting away though. If a person continues to tell you the same joke over and over, you’re not going to keep laughing. Now apply that same kind of logic to relationships. Why is it that women can get their hearts broken time and time again, but they never cease to stop crying over the shit? Should I just learn to expect rejection and despondency around life’s every corner? Call it naïveté or innocence that refuses to be snuffed out, but the Golden Rule is a creed that I try my hardest to follow, wishing that the good that I project will be returned to me tenfold. I don’t want this cloak of gloominess to follow me like a shadow, but where am I supposed to go from here when I’m already so far gone that I don’t even recognize my damn self anymore?